Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
