Hey man sorry I got all grabby
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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