Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
