It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
