I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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