im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
