I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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