remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
