two words: eviction party
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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