Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
