FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Let's paint friendship bongs
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
