I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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