How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
