Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
