i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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