had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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