marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
being pregnant is like rehab
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
