You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
