its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Shame is for Republicans.
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