This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize