the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
