i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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