I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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