Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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