Your dad touched me again.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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