a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
