all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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