Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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