Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
