I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize