You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
