there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
