well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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