Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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