FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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