turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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