So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
