I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
