are you so shy because you have an std?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
