Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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