chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
