I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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