did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
