omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
