Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
