Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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