I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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