you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
