have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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