i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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