i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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