Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
