You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
