I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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